Jokes

God's Funny Side

As a young man, Edgar was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty,chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Edgar, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.

One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Edgar woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Bishop he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Bishop left the room, Father Edgar headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not.

"Just then Father Edgar hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420 yard hole in one!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied,"Who is he going to tell?"Golf  and Marriage

Four married guys go golfing.While playing the 4th hole, the following conversation took place:

1st Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

2nd Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife I will build a new deck for the pool."

3rd Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continued to play the hole when they realized that the 4th guy hadn't said anything. So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

4th guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. and when it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'golf course or intercourse?'

And she said, "Wear your sweater." 


Golfing Partner

A fellow comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife asks why he doesn't include George in the games anymore.

The husband asks, "Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?"

"Of course I wouldn't," replies the wife.

"Well," says the husband, "neither would George." 


It's Hell to Get Old

Grandpa been playing golf whenever possible for over 78 years.

Today had been no exception, he was out early and played his 18.

Directly after golf he attended his great, great-grandson's wedding.

During the wedding reception, he was conversing with his great- grandson, giving advice on having a happy marriage and a great life.

After a while the young groom said "Grandpa what's it like making love when you reach your age."

Grandpa said, "Well, its kinda like putting with a rope." 


Smartalec Caddy

A very bad golfer is playing at new course and he is having a very bad day.

He is on the 18th hole, and he see's a lake.

He says to his caddy "I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake".

The caddy says, " I don't think you can, you can't keep your head down that long."


Doctor's On The Way

    A husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack.

    The husband ran off saying, "I'll go get some help."

    A little while later he returned, picked up his putter and began to line up his shot.

    His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may be dying here and you're putting?"

    "Don't worry dear," he said. "I found a doctor on the second hole who said he'd come and help you."

    "The second hole? When is he coming?"

    "Hey! I told you not to worry," he said. "Everyone has already agreed to let him play through."


An Alien View of Golf

   An alien spaceship hovered over a golf course and two aliens in amazement watched a solitary golfer.

   The golfer duffed his tee shot, shanked his second into the rough, took three to get out of the rough onto the fairway, sliced the next shot into the bushes, and then took a putter to get it out on the fairway again.

   One alien said to the other that he must be playing some sort of weird game and they continued to observe the golfer.

   The golfer then skulled a shot into a bunker by the green. He then took several shots to get out of the bunker and finally on to the green. He putted several times until he finally got into the hole.

   At this point, the other alien told his partner, "Oh,oh! Now he is in serious trouble!"


Bad Luck Harry

   Lady Luck was seldom kind to Harry. Although he had a real zest for life he was constantly beset by bad luck.

    He loved poker but poker did not love him; he played the stock market with great anticipation but always seemed to be the one who bought high and sold low.

    His life seemed to be full of more downs than ups.

    His greatest delight was his golf game. But Harry wasn't a great golfer; in fact, he never managed to break 100; yet he kept trying. 

    Finally Harry became ill and passed away. But just before he died, he asked that his remains be cremated and his ashes be scattered off the fairway on the ninth hole of his home course.

    Accordingly, a gathering assembled to carry out Harry's wishes. It was a bright sunny day and all was going well. But just as the ashes were being strewn, a freak gust of wind came up and blew Harry out of bounds. Bad luck to the bitter end.


The Nympho

   Two golfers are waiting their turn on the tee when a naked women runs across the fairway and into the woods.

    Two men in white coats and another guy carrying two buckets of sand are chasing her, and a little old man is bringing up the rear.

    One of the golfers grabs the old man and says, "What's going on?"

    The old guy says, "She's a nymphomaniac from the asylum. She keeps escaping, and us attendants have to catch her."

    The golfer says, "What about the guy with the buckets of sand?"

    The old guy says, "That's his handicap. He caught her last time."


The Start of Something Big

   A man comes home after a terrible round of golf, his worst ever.

    He plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

    The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

    He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

    The wife is furious at this  point. She yells at him, "You've been out golfing all day. Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunk, fat slob, and furthermore–"

    The man sighs and says, "See? It's started."


10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty But Aren't

   1. Nuts....my shaft is bent.

   2. After 18 holes I can barely walk

   3. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

   4. Look at the size of his putter.

   5. Mind if I join your threesome?

   6. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

   7. Keep your head down and spread your legs a little more

   8. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip

   9. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

  10. Hold up.....I need to wash my balls first.